1. My sister and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
2. The teacher shouted at me for something I didn’t do. What was it?
3. What do you call an ant that won’t go away?
4. What treat is never on time?
5. Why were the cornflakes scared of the man?
Because he was a cereal killer.
6. What did the dad chimney say to the little chimney?
You’re too young to smoke.
7. Why was six scared of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
8. How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
9. What do rabbits say before they eat?
10. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
11. What did the tree say to the flower?
“I’m rooting for you.”
12. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has ten thousand letters in it?
A post office.
13. What kind of math do birds like?
14. Where do horses live?
15. What did the mayo say when the refrigerator door opened?
“Close the door! I’m dressing!”
16. Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
17. Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because they have stinky feet!
18. What are twins favorite fruit?
19. What is a pretzel’s favorite dance?
20. What do you give to a sick lemon?
21. Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle.
22. What did the burger name her daughter?
23. Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
I’m not telling you. You might spread it!
24. Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
25. What do Snowmen call their offspring?
26. What falls but never hurts itself?
27. How does an Eskimo stick his house together?
28. What do you call a Cow with a twitch?
29. Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
30. What’s it called when a Cameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A Reptile Dysfunction
31. What do you call a sleepwalking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic!
32. A guy pulled my tit!
33. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
34. Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
35. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
36. I started a band called 999 Megabytes.
Still haven’t gotten a gig.
37. Somebody just threw a handful of Omega 3 tablets at me.
It’s OK though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
38. Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
39. What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
40. I love you from my head…
41. Why wouldn’t the monster eat the clown?
Because he suspected it would taste funny.